So here I am…living in spiritual community. It’s a challenge to explain to old friends and coworkers what it’s about. To simplify things, I usually end up telling people I live in a convent – even though I am not confined to the Center nor taking life vows – but it helps give people a sense of how serious I am about my spiritual life. My life before the coming to a spiritual path was heavily invested in all the empty highs and lows of life.

If you knew me 3 years ago, life was dark. You could find me cruising around the Twin Cities getting high, becoming obliterated at music shows and dance clubs, and having emotionally abusive relationships with my friends and boyfriends. It was a family legacy to avoid feelings with avoidance through substance abuse. My mother had “Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll” tattooed on her back for a period of time exemplifying our family behavior. This doesn’t feel extraordinary when I look out to the world and see many others dealing with the same issues and family dynamic. But my soul was crying while I was under these disconnected, hollow conditions. I constantly searched for something deeper than the superficial relationships that were connected through tv shows, clothes, hobbies, and partying as the lowest common denominator. I knew deep down there was something bigger than myself, bigger than this party. I found I had a natural attraction towards feeling real love and real connection with others even though I struggled with it.

Throughout my life I dipped in and out of spiritual communities, but nothing seemed to stick or feel true. My past spiritual experiences were lonely, blindly inaccurate, and self-congratulatory.

The one thing I knew to be true was the voice inside my heart pulling me towards the truth. All the mud of darkness I acquired over the years was being washed off me as I followed my heart in yearning for something better. It was calling me to get away from messiness and get into something real. I continued to pray for something real and God answered me. God worked on me intensely in the year before coming to the Center of Light. For as much as I knew at the time, I started making baby steps towards wanting to be a responsible adult. I got a career, I found the best possible stable relationship for me at that time, and through in it all, God gave me a glimpse into what life can be like. I began to open my eyes to how I was treating my Self and how I was treating others around me, but there was still so much missing.

One thing led to another and God led me to the doorstep of where I live now. I remember the moment I entered the door at the Center. I felt like crap and I was all torn up about some drama in that moment. But I put on my happy face, walked in, and hopped on a couch across from a woman clothed in all purple with sandy gray hair. “Wait a minute. Purple? What’s going on here.” The moment she started speaking I was captivated. This woman new the Truth. I thought, “if this person could hold the Truth, couldn’t I hold the Truth too?” All I knew at this point was I need to be around these people who are just gleaming with purity, simplicity, and love. It was everything I’ve always wanted to work towards.

My soul knew exactly what to do, even though my mind and body thought differently from time to time. But my soul knows I want to be here now no matter what happens. At times, I try to rebel, run away, and reject the people in the Center because they aren’t what “I think” a spiritual community holding love and consciousness should be. But thankfully, the post-it note on my soul keeps me here to get closer to what I truly thirst after.

The biggest part about my life as a student and in the novice house is having a spiritual teacher. I didn’t really know what a good spiritual teacher was like, because the ones I’ve had in the past were unhealed. Without a good spiritual teacher, I would be making 100x more mistakes (or the same mistakes again) because my teacher consistently gives me constructive perspective on the decisions I make. I always have the choice to decide what I want to do. But it always feels better to learn from someone who has the experience so I can keep moving towards my soul’s desire without any serious interruption. For this, I am truly thankful.

By Jamie, Student, Minneapolis