Recently I was watering some houseplants. They looked healthy enough, but I noticed that they weren’t growing and that the roots were at the surface, all tightly wound together. As I transplanted them today, I felt the relief of the plants as I put them in fresh soil, in their new spacious pots. They felt like they could stretch, breathe and really grow. It dawned on me as I saw that tightly wound bunch of roots, that that is what I felt like 4 years ago before coming onto the spiritual path. On the outside, I looked fine. No one would have been able to guess that I felt dead inside. I felt so tightly bound by the constraints I had put on myself, to conform to what I thought others wanted me to be.

For as long as I can remember, I watched outside, looking for cues as to how I was doing, what others thought of me, or wanted from me, and I would adjust accordingly. But I always felt anxious, always watching, always readjusting. And I was mad. But I didn’t look mad – I had a big smile on my face. Those closest to me were the only ones who knew how mad I was because they were the ones who got the brunt of my anger. Then I would feel bad and overcompensate to try to make up for my meanness.

The process of discovering who I am has been scary, exciting, painful, and liberating beyond description. It has taken courage, faith, tenacity, trust and love. What I now know is that most of those parts of me that I tried on to get love and acceptance weren’t me at all. When I came to the Center of Light and began working with a teacher, I began a process of unfolding and sorting, of letting go of those parts that weren’t me and taking on what is me. My teacher introduced me to God, to Jesus and to Mary and helped me to connect with Them in a way that is personal, deep and real. As a result, I feel a deep peace that I never imagined was possible.

I have learned to listen to my feelings, to love them and learn from them. Instead of looking for answers on the outside, I have learned to go inside, to where God is, and be guided in all parts of my life. I didn’t know that it was possible to truly change, but it is. Change isn’t always celebrated in the world. There are many who like the old me better, the one who kept her feelings to herself and who did everything to please others. But I was living a lie and it was killing me. I have been given a chance to breathe and to grow and to discover who and what God sees me as. It is a blessing beyond description – and the growth and self discovery continues!

By Esther, Deacon, New Haven