As I sit down to write my blog this morning, I notice that I’m having something I’ve had many times before and get the sense that many others experience too:  A Coffee Moment.  And so I decided that I would write about coffee.  Well………….sort of.

It started when I was driving home from communion this morning and heard that D&D ad that always makes me cringe a bit:  “America runs on Dunkin Donuts.”  I have to hand it to the folks that wrote that ad, they really do know their customers.  I was musing on how different things would be if America ran on God’s love.  And because the things that make us cringe are usually about something in ourselves, I was reflecting on my role in the whole phenomena, not so much because I still drink coffee (which I do I admit) but because of something I do which I think is much bigger and more important to change.

Like for instance, when I sit down to write a blog for my spiritual community and start to let this nagging fear of inadequacy creep in and tell me lies.  Like – what I have to say just won’t be good enough or measure up to the blog’s performance metrics or compare to what others had said before me.  That I wouldn’t be able to explain how I sometimes get this glimpse into a huge space of freedom and relaxation when I acknowledge that there is a much higher, loving power holding everything (including me) and I can let go of trying to be in control and just be myself.  How would I talk about how different I feel on the inside from the Michelle that began this spiritual path two or so years ago – and what a miracle it is to be more like the real me these days.  And how about all those small moments when I notice that my small, growing light is shining – and I see that it lights up the people around me:  the joy I get from that, and the gratefulness I feel to God and to my teachers for getting to experience that.

Nah. I couldn’t write about all that. Somehow it would flunk.  And so I did what probably most of America was doing about then: started to make a plan for getting that special cup of something hot to drink to start my day before I got started with my blog.  Yes, a decaf one – but still.  But, because I’ve heard Father Peter talk about how jacking up is a way of shutting down, and because I’ve learned to stop and listen and learn about what is freaking out in me, and I’ve built faith that God is absolutely taking care of me and I’m held in every moment if I would just take a moment and listen, and because I’ve developed a little new muscle that has started to say “NO” to the darkness – I never did get that cup.  Instead, I’m now writing something that feels real, and get to write about how much better I’m feeling writing it, simply because I chose to listen and to love than to puff out my caffeinated chest in some misguided effort to drag myself through the experience.

I have a feeling I’m not the only one who is learning or struggling with changing this entire pattern.  And I’m guessing that those lines at the cafés are just my own small coffee moment of feeling inadequate multiplied across the lives of many of our sisters and brothers.  And because I’ve been there and because I’ve gotten to see and feel the promise of doing it all differently – I’m working on breaking my habit.  One coffee moment at a time.

By Michelle, Student, Boston